


make me feel real in the night

by sputky



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Gen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Therapy, basically just analysis of anxiety and feelings around it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:13:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26465470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sputky/pseuds/sputky
Summary: Jisung isn’t new to this feeling. He knows his anxiety and how to deal with it. But sometimes even he can’t do it alone."I can come with you" says Minho, and with that they go into the dark to explore the unspoken feelings.or: Jisung is anxious. And Minho is there and listens.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Kudos: 59





	make me feel real in the night

**Author's Note:**

> major trigger warning for all the talk surrounding anxiety present in this fic. 
> 
> i wrote it after feeling anxious myself so it's just a therapeutic outlet for me and maybe others. 
> 
> also it's my first ever public work so it's probably not very eloquent and english is not my first language so i'm very sorry for all the grammar or stylistic mistakes.
> 
> i just hope even one person reading it will feel better or not as alone as before.
> 
> also happy birthday hannie and felix <3

the world begins to sink  
my pitiful voice cannot be reached  
in the void my body will collapse  
just look at me like you really see me  
but it’s over now  
it is done

Flickering neon lights outside his window are starting to sync up with the tempo of labored breaths escaping his body. One second it’s all pink hue with shaking inhale, the next, complete darkness surrounds his room and he takes another shortened exhale.

_It’s starting, _he can feel tightening pain spreading from his stomach up to his lungs and finishing at the ends of the fingertips. The feeling is not entirely unfamiliar.__

__First signs he can now recognize as anxiety symptoms started in kindergarten with severe stomach pains and crying at the thought of going alone to his friends’ houses._ _

__Then it changed into the numbness and inability to get up in morning and staying up late just to mask muffled cries into the pillow in middle school._ _

__When he started performing and producing music which really at the beginning were only a ways of finding healthy outlet of his feelings, it manifested itself as a stage fright and sweaty, shaky hands unable to hold the microphone._ _

__This feeling is not a stranger now, somehow it grew and grew, and now by the time he’s celebrating 20th birthday Jisung can even call it a longtime friend walking along his side by side since he was a little kid._ _

__

__  
_ _

As the minutes pass, he’s starting to realize laying in bed isn’t helping, the sheets start to feel uncomfortable, his shirt is too tight, maybe too loose in some places and his pants are bunched up at the ankles.

All sounds surrounding him are unbearably loud and sharp.

The room starts to look more distorted by the second and his breathing is getting harder and harder to control. _He needs to leave, he needs to leave, _the mantra in his head is reminding him. Jisung takes his favorite black hoodie, earphones and leaves the room.__

__He looks at his phone._ _

__11pm._ _

__The members should still be practicing, he got an early leave pass because of the new song that was just approved by the higher-ups and mostly because the rest were probably worried about him pulling all-nighters in the last 3 days.__

__He looks at himself in the mirror._ _

Greasy black hair, bags under his eyes look especially daunting in the pink lighting, smelly clothes and shaking hands from all the coffee he _shouldn’t _be drinking. He puts on his boots and is ready to leave but his plan of leaving unnoticed is ruined the moment he opens the front door and is met with sweaty Minho coming in with damp hair and duffer bag swung on his shoulder. It’s only his luck that the person he _didn’t _want to see is right before his eyes with visible worry spreading over his face.____

___"Did you guys finish already? I remember Felix and Hyunjin still going over the second chorus and I thought-," he blurred out in one breath trying his best to sound not as panicked as he already was._ _ _

___  
_ _ _

"I finished early so that’s why I’m here," Minho answered simply. Jisung can see his raised eyebrows, incisive gaze searching for something in his eyes and his usually comforting smile changes into something far more rehearsed and trained. 

So he tries to assure him, “Oh- well I’m just going to the convenience store,” he laughs awkwardly to release the tension but it sounds muffled and unnatural and probably has the opposite effect to what he wants to do so he ultimately gives up on that idea. 

As he’s closing the door he hears Minho soft, quiet voice coming from the hall, “I can come with you.” 

He exhales with relief. 

That’s how they end up walking on a busy Seoul street at midnight, hearing cars go by and observing all the street light while the sky is dark. Jisung tries to look for the moon but it’s hidden under all skyscrapers in front of him. 

He picks up his pace as his heart rate goes up but stops the moment he realizes he can’t see the older boy walking next to him.

He looks behind him, only to see Minho tiredly huffing after him and aggressively waving for him to slow down. 

___ _

___"I was dancing for three hours, can you have some mercy on me, please?", he says with a wide smile even if he pretends to use annoying tone._ _ _

___After he’s caught up with Jisung who’s now standing in the middle of a busy crosswalk he looks like he decided on something, his expression changes into more shy one "You know what," he starts as he takes Jisung’s hand in his and his grin becomes even more bashful. The younger boy freezes, tries to wiggle out his hand out of Minho’s clasp but the older boy grasp stays firm even if the tips of his ears are getting red._ _ _

___He hates that Minho _knows _what to do, hates that it makes him feel more grounded and calm, hates feeling so dependent on these small gestures. He doesn’t deserve _him _. He doesn’t deserve them all, Jisung thinks._______

___ _

___The tears are starting to prick the corners of his eyes, his throat tightens only managing to mumble under his breath, "My hands are sweaty," he starts but is interrupted by the tightening grip on his hand, "It’s fine," Minho responds as he looks at him with the same soft smile he sees every time they go out to eat and Jisung somehow manages to forget to bring his wallet or when he accidentally finishes all of Minho’s snacks without sharing them._ _ _

_____ _

_____ _

___ _

___He exhales once again._ _ _

___  
_ _ _

The days are getting shorter and shorter, autumn air is filling up Jisung’s lungs.

He shivers at the stronger wind as Minho takes their interlocked hands into the pocket of his jacket.

It’s 1am now.

After the walk from their dorm they found themselves at the bench of an abandoned playground in some nearby park. The silence is cherished, they both find peace in it.

Old, rusty swings are creaking with the stronger wind and the only other sound present is their breaths escaping as white puffs of air above them.

Jisung looks at Minho who’s looking ahead of him with an unreadable expression on his face.

_He’s probably tired of it. Tired of me always loosing myself, _Jisung thinks. It’s not the first night spend in silence just to give the younger some time to calm down. They’ve been here again and again.__

"Do you want to go back now?" Minho asks and finally looks at Jisung which gives his features a soft yellow hue and he looks even younger than he is, bare-faced, with red ears and chapped lips from the cold, carrying the burden of everyone around him.

Minho, who’s barely two years younger than him and still took on the role of older brother.

Minho, who insist on staying late just to help others with choreography, Minho, who shows his quiet love with a _“did u eat yet?” _texts, Minho, who’s sitting with Jisung on a park bench in cold September night.__

___ _

___This time he can’t stop the tears._ _ _

And Minho holds him and gently pats his back when he sobs and screams into the void. Jisung tells him though the choked cries that he’s tricking them all into dealing with him, that he’s just too much to handle. All his past and present insecurities make him unable to do anything right. He’s holding the whole group down and it’s maybe better for him to leave.

And to that Minho responds with holding him even tighter.

After a while everything quiets down again, they go back, the same route as before, hand in hand only now their eyes are as red as the ears but they both feel the weight is still there but somehow lighter than before.

Jisung doesn’t have an answer to these things, just another subject he’ll probably have to mention to his therapist on Wednesday when they meet.

His hands stop shaking and the world is not as small as his head makes it to be.

The dorm is pitched black when they arrive, in the corner of his eye he sees Changbin peaking from his room only to give them a questioning look and a knowing smile after he sees their hands. 

They head straight into Jisung’s room, he’s not surprised Hyunjin isn’t there, he’s probably rooming with Seungmin after tiring practice.

Nobody bothers to turn on the light, clothes are disappearing in seconds and Jisung is wearing Minho’s oversized blue shirt as a pajama.

The room feels warmer, not as suffocating as before.

In the dark he can hardly make out the outline of Minho’s face, he looks like a ghost sleeping next to him in his tiny, single bed. Until he moves his hand again and turn on his side to face Jisung.

"Go to sleep, you’re tired," he says as he’s carding his fingers though Jisung’s dark hair.

The younger doesn’t respond and looks at the window where the bright neon is quietly ticking.

After a while he says, “Thank you for going with me,” to that Minho slides his hand to caress Jisung’s cheek, making small circles with his thumb and looking at him with sleepy eyes.

"It’s fine, Jisungie, I don’t mind going on a nice midnight walk," he tells him, and Jisung doesn’t believe him.

But maybe tomorrow he will. For know he cuddles up to Minho who gladly puts his arms around the boy and feels him giving small kisses to his temple and trailing them upwards to his hair. 

As he’s drifting away to sleep Jisung hears quiet whisper next to his ear,

"You are okay now,". And maybe for the moment, Jisung is.

i found the light in the pit of hell  
the end seems to have a second end  
shape my face and build me brain  
the sun will hand me all that i can take  
and so i’ll live  
i’ll live again


End file.
